Dear Eric: My mother is almost 92 years old and has recovered from a stroke. She no longer drives. Her poor athleticism means that she cannot cook or handle hot items on the stove, shower or bathe herself.
My brother and I agree that we need to help mom live as a nurse, but the brother insisted on taking care of herself. But now she realizes it is a burden and she cannot have her own life, see her friends, or take care of her home.
I'm retired so my sister thinks she can snap her fingers, and I arrive to free her for more than a month at a time. I have no problems visiting mom, but her level of care is something I am not satisfied with.
With each topic of support for life, the sisters have another reason why she disagrees with it. First, it was because the aid living facilities would “hire people from sub-par, not nice places.” Then, life as aid was fine, but she didn't want to do it against her mom's will. (Mom said she wanted to go to her.)
Then her sister said that she doesn't need her mother to move when she gets worse because she wants a place of care she graduated from. The list continues. The rest of our brothers intervened to take care of their mom, but we knew we would eventually come to this. We are all married to our own family and homes and live in other states, but the sisters are single and think it's not her turn. Yes, she should be able to go on vacation, check out her home and get her life back. She could do all that if she just allowed her mother to support her life. Mom has the funds to provide her care. But the sisters just think they can do it better.
Any thoughts on how to solve this?
– Conflict of care
Dear Care: I have sympathy for your sister – it is clear that she is currently struggling to accept what is best for your mother. That struggle prevents her from navigating this clearly. She may think that she (or you) can provide better care than a support facility with a trained professional, but that goes against the stated hopes of your mother for yourself. And when it comes to some kind of care, that's not true. A medical professional would be more suitable to support your mother and help her rehabilitate from a stroke.
Your sister has an internally task to do, but the top priority is to make sure your mother's desires are heard and respected. You, your siblings, and your mother should hold a meeting where your mother can confirm that she wants to move to a caregiving living facility again. Reinforce your siblings that the goal is not to argue, but to respect your mother's wishes. This is a planning meeting and can be explained later.
One of the brothers – perhaps you should be at the forefront of finding a facility that will meet your mother's desires and needs, not the sister you are currently caring for. Your sister can have an opinion, but she doesn't have the ultimate say.
(Send questions to Philadelphia, PA, eric@askingeric.com or PO Box 22474 (PO Box 22474, 19110). Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at Rericthomas.com.)
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